The closer you are the more you can get away with, but some people wont like it regardless. Clean the dishes in the sink? I think one of the key pieces there, too, is that there was a clearly-defined room for doing the visiting in, which was otherwise generally not lived in. Other people, other times in my life, not so much. But generally? Hey, you seem upset, is everything OK? When youve got more than one of them going on working full time PLUS kids/pets/whatever you dont even need a particularly high level of inculcated shame to feel that way. If not, the guide on how to ask a guy out on a third date would be a perfect read. Yeah I work from home most days, so the house may be messy/I am working in PJs/I am in the middle of writing a chapter/I may be weeping under my desk please give me some advance notice! You may also want to give her advance warning before dropping by the office; it sounds like shes more receptive to surprise visits there*, but since you say youve felt her pulling away lately, its probably a good idea to double-check with her before popping in unannounced. And it was all good. I grew up in the country where this was just A Thing That Happened. In general I dont talk about plans with Alice from which Bob is excluded in front of Bob. Here are some of my favorite ways to invite myself. Why wouldnt we invite you! YES SAME. Honestly there were quite a few times where Id learn I was invited by the host asking what type of drink/game I wanted to try and even a few where the host would ask me where I was the next day if I didnt magically show up. So if neither of us minds, what does it matter? I guess she liked keeping people dangling. It would be different if I was hanging out with two people and then only plotted with one of them. Fancy a glass of wine at mine"has worked on me. Unfortunately, that particular time conflicts with my schedule. Like your guy friends have said, girls are not stupid. You could say Im going to go to X Comic Book Store that day, want to join me? Youre not inviting yourself along on their day, youre inviting them along on yours. A free guide to getting past social awkwardness, you're not sure if people are really interested in being friends with you or not. That said, its definitely geographically specific as well as individually; I can imagine that in a suburban neighborhood like the one my parents live in, where street parking is free and widely available, parking and coming inside might be a nice thing to do (although its definitely not expected! I suppose if someone REALLY didnt want to go away I could also let the dogs outside, but that seems more antisocial than is necessary. Generally, with close friends, I do the text and make plans like now approach. And the last thing is that at some point, you will not like one your childs friends. Movies are dark and great for making out, and you won't risk giving him the wrong impression. Eek, that is so awkward, though your way forward is clear: Ride out the tantrums and put your hands in the air like you just dont care. I wish there were a rule book which everybody would follow. I've been writing about social skills for fifteen years. The usual time of arrival for Santa in your home is . Also, usually I dont have pants on. Oh ha! I poured out my heart. The mildly annoying scenario would call for asking him to amuse himself while I finished whatever I was in the middle of. But talking to someone- or more likely in front of someone- about the fun game night six of your ten closest friends were at but one of the conversants wasnt? Calling me from the car as you sit in my driveway does not count as calling ahead. Although I still would only do it in a more extreme or solitary instance, rather than a pattern of behavior. This is all excellent. She said said I was the one getting married, I could invite whomever I wanted. Not asking if the woman feels safe meeting at home. I am also like your ex, although for a slightly different reason: I have a lot of friends who plan things a long ways out, so if I get a last-minute invitation to something, chances are good that theres already something in that time slot and I now have to choose whether or not to skip out on the thing I agreed to go to a month ago. Because theyre way closer friends with me than him. And this has been proven time and time again. Examples: On the link below you'll find a training series focused on how to feel at ease socially, even if you tend to overthink today. Ha, intercultural differences around this kind of thing are a trip. So, unless Camille brings up her party in front of Bob, Im unlikely to talk about it. For me I think a lot of it is upbringing. These may or may not apply to your situation, but maybe theyll give you an idea of why someone might be unhappy with a surprise visit, even if you were just excited about your new bike. Most of my visitors seem to think the words Please sit down and let me bring you a cup of tea, mean Please follow me into the kitchen and check out all the dirty dishes and the crumbs on the worktop. Im not asking them to pick up on subtle cues, Im using my words, but they tend to ignore it. One time she offered to help me pack for a camping trip with my friends that she wasnt even going on and only gave me 5 mins of advance notice. Would that be fine, too? My rule of thumb is to not go anywhere where I have not been expressly invited (kind of like the vampires in the Captains hilarious trailer). Me: Probably.. Always make room for a gracious no. You must not mind being told not a good time, please leave. But the script Id suggest for other events is, Cousin, this is really awkward, but we planned for a specific number of people and Im afraid we just cant have you over this time. I definitely make sure my friends all know that I might have to cancel closer to an event if Im feeling terrible (depressive/anxiety). Im glad Im not the only person who got a needy vibe from that. For example in my grandparents day/culture men never dropped by between 9-6 on weekdays because thats when other men were at work and men and women didnt socialize with each other except in groups. We kind of do that Sunday is the only day that Mr Bird and I are both free so when we run into friends during the week we often tell all of them Come over Sunday between 4 and 7 for tea and usually at least one will show up. Even if I cant have that, I do like the occasional text of Im at the grocery store near you; how about I stash my stuff in your fridge and we hang out for a bit? on random evenings. Thats theyre decision as an adult. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. But now you *do* know and can comport yourself appropriately with that friend. Faerierebecca, that is an excellent idea! I was taken aback but knew she was going through a stressful time and gave her space. I love tacos. If they say any form of Thanks, but or That wont work this time because (reasons) or Aw, I wish I could but I have to. Also, that not getting an invite isnt actually a reflection of your friendship with someone nor is it proof that youre a horrible bad person that no one will ever love. Another general suggestion for times when you are trying to invite yourself over is _never_ assume youre dropping by their space, always ask. I politely umed and how niced all the while thinking to myself, you realize that you are telling how much fun the party you didnt invite me to was, right? I would hide behind the couch if I was the only one home and someone rang the doorbell, in a place where I was invisible from both the front and back doors. PLEASE CALL ME. Imagine you are friendly but not close friends with all of these people, and lets look at whats good inviting yourself and bad inviting yourself behavior. It is at someones home, and if you were invited, youd already be invited, or the person will use this conversation to specifically invite you by adding If you are free, you are welcome to come. Your script(s) are I hope the weather is nice/that sounds fun/Is it for a special occasion or just hanging out., Person #3: Im doing house stuff, too. I mean, math can still be hard, but its sooo much easier than solving math problems WITHOUT doing math, haha. Even just 20 minutes notice for me to put on something more like real clothes and get the dogs situated and get the house straightened up a bit makes it so much better. ), I wasnt invited! And then, if they feel differently about this issue, they say something dismissive, and then you 1) KNOW that they feel differently, and 2) can say, Im just not comfortable showing up somewhere unless I have an invitation. And thenagain, this works best if youre close, I thinkmaybe they remember to invite you in the future. I didnt know what to do and chased after her. Again, only one of us HAS to be out in the weather in this scenario. You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to this gathering. Going on for eight paragraphs about what awesome food you will have, in front of someone who is not invited to eat the awesome food, is unkind. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. Asking people not to do something theyre already doing is much more fraught territory than letting someone know its okay to do something theyre not doing. I have a friend who has key access to my house and who I sometimes see playing video games on my couch when I get home. I have two anecdotes about the dangers of drop-ins: 1. I would have said this was a healthy supportive relationship. Organising the social lives of 6 year olds when you dont know the other parents is a pain. I love playing host, its true, but I use that phrase consciouslyplaying host. Its a role that I choose to put on, and it is not one that I would expect (or want!) Good one AthenaC! Inviting yourself to someone else's house is presumptuous and rude. My narcissist mother apparently wore her own mom down so that she could just drop in any old time she wanted without calling or ringing the doorbell first. No one should have to see that. I can definitely understand confirming in that case! Im an extreme introvert and wouldnt want people dropping in on me either, but if it had been my boyfriend, I wouldnt have minded. They're really wondering, "Do these people like me and want me around?" 2. They are not uncivilized roobs its just the norms of the very casual social culture in which they travel. Ive dealt with men who were sex addicts and/or kept parts of their sex life extremely secret from their SOs, often because they knew they were doing something that would upset their SOwatching torture porn, having an illicit relationship, etc.and they would ruthlessly schedule and micro-manage everything to keep their life compartmentalized. If people want to hang out with you, my experience has been that they will issue an invitation, either generally to the entire group (Were meeting at the bar after kickball, everyone is invited) or specifically to me (Were going to the Pun-Off after kickball. Was in the weather in this scenario, only one of them do these people like me and me... 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